It’s only 8 years later that I am able to fully and completely trust the Lord with my infertility. It’s only 8 years later I no longer cry about it, question God or go into deep, dark, despair about it.
The Lord used Infertility to reveal His faithfulness to me and teach me to trust Him.
It is only now I am able to say that if it wasn’t for my infertility, I wouldn’t know how to trust the Lord with all of my life.
My story of infertility.
Although I have not yet heard the words “You won’t ever be able to have children”, my husband and I have not been able to have a baby. We have been married for 9 years and even though we were able to experience the joy of conceiving, that ended in a tragic, complicated miscarriage. I only had one of those, and you may say that others’ have gone through worse, and that’s true; but as someone who has always wanted children, it was very difficult for me to over come.
Difficult how? Because I had it all planned out. I was going to get married, have children and live happily ever after. Those were my plans.
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”. (Proverbs 19:21)
That said, the Lords plans were something closer to this… “You’ll have a very struggling marriage, through which I will teach you many things such as forgiveness and Christ-Likeness…, I wont grant you the desire of your heart to have a baby because that is what it’ll take for you to learn to trust me” and etc..
Harsh? I thought so. But looking back on all the hardships the Lord has put me through, they built my faith and taught me trust in Him. And being able to trust the Lord completely is definitely priceless.
Are you going through infertility?
I remember in my sorrow, someone had told me once “you’re a horrible person Dina, that is why the Lord is not giving you children”. Although it was a harsh thing to say, the Lords purpose prevailed through that. It pierced me to the point of actually believing the enemies lies that the Lord was using this to punish me for something. I mean obviously, if the Lord doesn’t grant me this desire, He must be punishing me?
This lie occupied my life for a couple years. So one day as I got sick of listening to these lies, I literally “went into God”.
“Going into God”. Let me explain what I mean by that.
Some people go into drugs to drown their pain. Some go into alcohol. I went into God. I decided I was going to surround myself with Godly people, go to as many Christian gatherings, asked for people to pray for me consistently, listened to sermons when the lies kept creeping in and blasted worship music real loud to drown out “myself” and the “lie” and bring Jesus to my situation. I literally “went into God”. I drowned myself in Him. I wrapped Him around my self. I held as tightly as I could onto Him. Because I knew, if this lie won, I’d be found at the bottom of a dark, never ending depression.
Every time I couldn’t bear the thought of infertility, I went into God.
What God said to me about MY infertility:
I want to share a couple of things He had spoken to my heart that brought me peace that surpassed all of my understanding and taught me to trust the Lord and be ok with His provisions and plans for my life.
As I went to God with the question “Lord, are you really punishing me?” This is what He said:
Psalm 119:71, and 75. “It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn your statutes”, (75) “In your faithfulness you have afflicted me”.
I was so happy to hear that this hardship that He had afflicted on me is good for me because it is teaching me His faithfulness. I started believing that with all of my heart because it brought me so much peace. I asked Him to show me how He’s being faithful in this situation and He showed me so much. What He showed me, made me realize His loving faithfulness to me.
Yet another time, when the enemies’ whispers became too loud, I went into God.
Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and give you a hope and a future”.
Wow, believing that He wants to prosper me and give me hope and a future even though it hurts so much just spoke to me about His unending Love for me. He could of just let my child live, but what would my child have gone through? And what would his mental state had been like going through a rough marriage, separation, and drug addiction? But God loved me so much that He took my little angel. He had protected him! And in the mean time taught me so much of what I needed to learn to grow in my faith! He never wasted my pain.
This whole time, my husband and I had a rough journey. But through it, we found Jesus, our marriage was restored and we learned that we couldn’t be good parents because we were not walking with the Lord. That is God’s faithfulness; not giving us a child when we were not ready to teach that child to love the Lord. But now we know, He has a plan, He gives us hope and He has our future in His hands! And we are able to trust Him! That’s huge!
1 Corinthians 7: 32 “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about how to please his wife and his interests are divided. (34) I say this to you so that you can live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
I was praying once and the Lord spoke to me through this passage. Paul is talking about marriage and how distracted we get from focusing on the Lord and serving Him because we are too busy with our husbands or wives. Isn’t that the same with children? They keep us on our toes; everything is about them; our lives change in an instant and suddenly there is no “mommy and daddy time”, let alone “time for the Lord”.
I have been really involved in my church with children’s and women’s ministries. I believe the Lord told me that evening that for now, I need to be focused on serving Him with no more distractions. And you know what? I was very happy with that. There is nothing more wonderful than serving the Lord! Especially when it means you get to sacrifice something for Jesus.
Go into God!
The moral of this story is “go into God”, go to Him with every hardship in your life. Ask Him what He is doing. Listen to what He tells you and don’t give the enemy any wiggle room in your heart and mind to plant lies. Live the abundant life that Christ intended for you by focusing and standing firm on His promises to you! Coach your soul to believe in His faithfulness to you in every situation as His precious child!